A bit of background for the non-Alaskans...
There is a small dressing room just to the side of the stage at the Lawrence. It is kind of a "star" room and it happens to be the only dressing room on that floor. There is a public bathroom in the hallway, but I always unlock this dressing room for crew when we are there 8 or 9 hours before the actors building the set. It's nicer than having to wait in the hall while someone else is using the bathroom.
Scrooge and Marley share that dressing room. Last year they had some real problems with people using their toilet so they have talked to me about it a couple times. I, in turn, have talked to the cast and continued unlocking it for crew because (I'm sorry) we deserve it too. Already this show there was a problem with someone sprinkling on the seat but the entire cast had a talking to and things have been okay. There were two other groups in the center last night, so we were basically under house arrest. We could not leave the Lawrence except to make an entrance and, thus, the hall bathroom was off-limits.
Last night's tech did not go well.
We were not even to the Ghost of Christmas Past when I left the booth to go talk to the director in person about a possible solution for a tech problem. Mr. Marley met me halfway down the the stairs to tell me that earlier tonight someone had pissed on their toilet seat again, they had spoken to the cast about it and now he had gone in there to find someone had taken a shit and not flushed. No problem. I tell him I will talk to the cast again and continue on my way. At the bottom of the stairs, Mr. Scrooge stops me to complain about the floater and explain exactly why this is unacceptable. At the stage itself, the props-girl calls me over to whisper in my ear that Scrooge and Marley had spoken to her about the unauthorized dumping and they are quite upset. I take her to the side of the stage to talk about it so we won't be picked up on the mics and broadcast to the entire theatre. As I turned around, I could hear the director yelling. She was standing center stage bellowing that someone had done a number 2 without follow-up and since everyone had been spoken to about it, it could not possibly be one of us. One of the other acts had infiltrated Scrooge and Marley's inner sanctum and desecrated their porcelain bowl. It was my duty to go find the production manager and report that SOMEONE HAD SHIT IN THE TOILET!!
I had no more rope. I could still see the end of it though, dangling, taunting me from about 3 feet above my head.
I, quietly, walked out of rehearsal. Said rehearsal, thusly, came to a complete halt. I walked down the hall. I found the Production Manager and explained that she needed to come to the theatre because someone had shat in Scrooge and Marley's toilet. Her first question was if we needed clean-up, so I explained that no, all we needed was a flush.
Being the goddess she is, she quickly grasped the fundamental absurdity of it all without laughing and listened as I explained that we now needed 2 copies of the dressing room key so Scrooge and Marley can lock their toilet away from children's bums. There were not 2 copies to be had, so I was the proud holder of a master key to the entire Alaska Center of the Performing Arts so Scrooge could have the only actual copy of his bathroom's key.
I still can't believe I had to stop the rehearsal to deal with shit.